An Open Letter to a Loved One Suffering from Addiction

re-post from my old blog that still feels relevant today.

Having a loved one with an addiction is, in my experience, a life filled with constant anger, sadness, guilt, fear and feeling so helpless.

But most of all, and sadly enough, it is filled with unconditional love.

I have been putting this off for some time now because it really hits hard but, in this day and age, more people need to speak up about this.

I want others to know they are not alone. I want others to see it is OKAY to live your life.

It is okay to be different. It is okay to talk about it. It is okay to not keep it in, even if many can’t understand or relate.

Addiction is so relevant today and I’ve watched so many lose the battle over the past couple years…so as hard as this is, I know it’s my time to speak up on my behalf.

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Some days I just wish I could wake up with a normal life. A life without someone suffering so badly.

I hate waiting for “the call” and never knowing what to expect from you next.

The thought of you not walking this planet is something I cannot seem to bare.

I hate worrying if I don’t hear from you for a while. It shouldn’t be this way and I hate that this is a part of my life but it is.

I hope you understand when I distance myself because it’s too hard to watch you damage this beautiful life you’ve been given.

I hate that there is nothing I can do. I have no say. I hate feeling a sadness that is backed by a type of anger I could never put into words.

I hate it all. I hate that people don’t see you for the amazing person I know you are. I hate that all people see is someone suffering from addiction because I know you are so much more than that.

And, I think knowing that is what kills me the most.

I know you’re suffering and I know some days I’m sure it hurts more than you can handle but I want you to know how much you are loved.

How much your past and mistakes don’t change the love that I feel for you.

I wish I could take all your pain and worries away, I wish I could make it all better but, I can’t.

It’s exhausting trying to keep you on the right track, it’s tiring constantly worrying about you.

I will never be able to erase these memories of seeing you at rock bottom.

I will never be able to undo the damage you have done.

It’s physically draining, I get so tired of it all.

I hate feeling guilty when I want to be no where near you.

I hate feeling hurt when I think that my words and feelings aren’t enough for you to stop this damage. I’ve learned the hard way that I’m not enough. It’s up to you.

And that reality hurts.

I wish you knew how much your decisions had a ripple effect on the lives around you. I wish you knew how hard it is for us all.

Deep down, I think you do and I know that probably kills you inside.

I can’t put myself in your shoes, and I never want to.

Some days I just wish it would all stop. Some days I just wish I could go back in time to the days when things were okay when I didn’t have to worry so much about you.

Some days I want to hate you, some days I think I do but the love is always there.

And, I know no matter how hard I try to completely hate you, my heart will never really let me.

So, I want you to know on those days where I can hardly recognize the person you are that I still love you.

I want you to know that when the tears are streaming down my face from watching you self destruct, these tears of pain are still filled with unconditional love.

And as much as I wish it wasn’t unconditional at times, it always will be.

Every day is different and I never know what to expect. I just take it day by day and hope for the best.

It’s not easy watching you go down this path but through it all I still love you unconditionally. I can only hope that one day you can see yourself through my eyes.