The First Time I Saw a Movie Alone: A Lesson in Discomfort
What I learned about myself years ago in a dark theater
I walked slowly up to the front of the building taking a deep breath. “what am I doing here?”
I cringed to myself as I reached the door and continued walking, my eyes glued to the dark grey carpet below me.
Rewind to about a week ago.
I looked in the mirror apathetically.
I was a shell of myself. So unsure of everything that made me…me.
My world was completely shattered. And I just needed an escape, to do something for me. To feel SOMETHING other than heartbreak and grief.
“Let’s go to the movies.” was the thought that popped into my head. a change of scenery would be nice afterall…
and now here we are a week later in the lobby of the cinema barely able to make eye contact with another human out of sheer embarrasment.
“Plenty of people go to the movies alone, jamie…” I thought trying to convince myself that this was normal as I lined up behind multiple couples holding hands and exchanging quiet voices as we made out way closer to get our tickets.
“Just one?” his voice echoed in my head as I pulled out my card to pay. ‘yes, I know…just one, how pathetic.’ I thought as I paid for my lonely little admission ticket before heading to the bathroom.
‘this feels so uncomfortable, this is weird. I don’t like it.’ the thoughts running through my mind as I casually entered the womans toilet. a couple of girls touching up their makeup in their cute date night outfits by the mirror.
I caught a glimpse of myself in my oversized hoodie as I made my way into the bathroom stall.
the comparison was eating me alive. I knew I wasn’t making this any easier but I was consumed in my little pity party and nothing could pull me out of it….until something did.
as I finished up in the bathroom it was time to grab some snacks for the movie and something happened…I felt myself getting excited.
The simple thought of picking whatever snacks I wanted, without having to take anyone else into consideration. I didn’t have to share my popcorn.
It was like suddenly my brain switched when food came into the picture (go figure)
and I found myself having a string of thoughts that weren’t making me feel like a pathetic loser. ‘I coud get used to this.’
After getting my popcorn, I decided that I was going to enjoy my night regardless.
regardless of if anyone gave me weird looks. or whispered about me. I was going to enjoy my popcorn and movie and no one was going to take that away from me.
So, into the darkness we went to find our seats. Luckily, we were all spaced out.
I found myself, naturally curious, looking around to see if anyone else was alone. They weren’t.
But, at this point it didn’t matter as much to me.
And I started to ease up and get comfortable in my seat once my brain realized the obvious…no one was looking at me.
Not one person cared what I was doing.
They were all too busy enjoying their snacks and waiting for the movie to start.
And then the movie started. and guess what? the world didn’t end.
And I didn’t spend the whole time feeling like an absolute tool.
I enjoyed my snacks, I enjoyed the movie. and when it ended, we all just…left.
and I walked out of that cinema feeling happy.
happy that I did something for myself. happy that I was able to stop the spiral of negative thinking.
happy that I switched up my environment for the night.
and I now know, it was never as big of a deal as my brain was trying to convince me it was.
I realized that sometimes it’s easier to spiral in the pity party and feel sorry for ourselves than to take ownership and switch up the narrative.
And don’t get me wrong…sometimes the pity party is needed and sometimes it’s required in order for us to process heavy emotions.
but, if we choose to stay there forever, digging ourselves deeper and deeper into sadnesss — how is that serving us?
and I guess what I realized more than anything is that sometimes the shift doesn’t come from making the active choice to ‘think more positively’ — sometimes the shift happens naturally when we make the decision to shift our environment and have the courage to sit in the uncomfortable moments along the way.